OUR CRITICS SPEAK
The three extremely critical articles which follow originally appeared in the WADDLER NEWS, a privately circulated publication. We reprint them here reluctantly but in full, as we have been advised to do, after legal action initiated by that organization and its president, pictured directly to the left.
THE RICH ARE DIFFERENT!
By C. R. V. Madoff-Rich, President of WADDLE
We Actually Do Deserve to Live Extravagantly, or WADDLE, takes quite seriously its role as the leading support organization for America's wealthy upper crust. As the watchful and wary watchdogs of WADDLE, our board has gotten its snoot up in the air regarding the way we are being crudely snickered at in one hardly "good humored" book entitled Introducing the Richest Family in America.
In these somewhat difficult times, the cranky, unemployed denizens of America's lower and middle classes are far too critical of America's self-serving rich people. Frankly, we of the free-spending wealthy deserve all the admiration and flattery we can possibly wring from less successful Americans.
David Drum, the so-called "good humored" author of Introducing the Richest Family in America has jimmied up a portrait of upper class America that we in WADDLE consider snide, sinister, snippy, sniveling, simply solipsistic slander. Drum invites far too many impressionable readers to chuckle at our wealthiest and most worthy citizens ~ America's numerically small but slavishly admired, high-stepping, high-living upper class.
Although you may laugh until you cry at David Drum’s "humorously" portrayed rich and foolish characters, we in WADDLE warn you against the cheap, despicable thrill of hideously lowbrow laughter. As you bray the coarse crude guffaw of the most common sort of man, be aware you will be sniffing, snorting and "cracking up" at America's mighty, magnificently moneyed upper upper crust ~ multi-millionaires and billionaires composing barely 1% of the American population ~ each of whom frankly deserves a great deal more respect from the lower and middle echelons of society. Besides giggling, gagging, and guffawing at your betters in the most lowbrow sort of way, you will be cackling, passing wind, and slapping your knee at the wealthiest among us for many of the worst and wobbliest possible weasons.
WADDLE works itself weary defending the broad rear flank of America's ultra-rich! Far too often, WADDLErs are the targets of raspberries and disrespectful catcalls from America's stressed-out rabble. Indeed, the very wealthiest of our members have taken a stiff punch in the pudding from David Drum's haunting, huffy, hardly "humorous" book..
Introducing the Richest Family in America insults virtually ALL of America’s elegant, beautiful, and frankly fabulous rich. Not for nothing do we straddle the universe from a sparsely populated Olympian perch on the highest and uppermost tier of mighty, magnificent, millionaire America!
When rumors of Drum's insulting book reached my ears, I immediately marched out to acquire a copy, tut-tutting and shaking my head no, no, no at what I feared would be ugly and highly calculated distortions of our carefully-managed upper crust lifestyle. Drum's book was worse than I feared! Insults of the crassest sort leaped off the page like so many custard pies! I confess, I did once or twice snicker behind my hand ~ I could hardly restrain my naturally ebullient laughter! ~ but Drum's class-baiting mumbo-jumbo is malicious! The hooting out loud scenes, the lineup of hideous if memorable characters, a few of the old-fashioned romantic scenes I rather enjoyed, and indeed I did like many of the smaller lighter touches, especially the European and Chinese scenes, but please ~ easily-manipulated inhabitants of the lower and middle classes ~ do not touch David Drum's steamy, scatological, and only noddingly "humorous" book.
Rather than painting a respectful picture of the cultivated and urbane upper crust that we at WADDLE know quite well, and the lower classes know well enough from TV shows and the like, Drum shows us a highly unrepresentative wealthy family adrift in a world of folly, fantasy, and foolishness. Every man, woman, and companion animal in Drum’s book might as well be wearing a clown suit!
One of the lowest of Drum's below-the-belt blows came in the creation of a character that resembles no living lawyer that I have ever encountered. Drum's corporate attorney character appears to be a dishonest, double-talking bully, and more! An upper class lawyer ready to enrich himself by betraying his wife's entire family -- for money? Unlikely. An attorney in a position of familial trust such as Drum so vividly describes would act only with the highest and most honorable intent! America's wealthy families are full of honest, straight-talking lawyers who are by all outward appearances our most uptight of citizens! Yet Drum portrays "his" corporate lawyer as a clumsy, sinister, greedy, obsequious, smoke-blowing fool!
To cite a second extremely distasteful example, the wealthy patriarch of Introducing the Richest Family in America is said to suffer frequent and bedeviling bouts of flatulence. The very idea of flatulence in the boardroom of a major corporation is a slap in the face to America's two-fisted businessmen -- and businesswomen! Flatulence, fart jokes, and the like are unmistakably lower class! I can personally attest that the "humorous" activities so vividly described by Drum do NOT occur in our nation’s better families and certainly never in the conference rooms of WADDLE's extremely distinguished corporate boards.
But it’s not only an obscenely wealthy business tycoon passing gas or heedlessly pursuing love who feels the sting of Drum's "humor" ~ the author of Introducing the Richest Family in America does not seem to think much of this nation’s hard-working bankers, corporate lawyers, miniature pig owners, and high-end plastic surgeons either!
Insults of the lowest type buzz up like heat-seeking mosquitoes from the pages of this "humorous" book. Bracing ourselves to swat down still another onslaught of class-baiting slander, we of WADDLE typically comfort ourselves with the words of that wise old American homily: "We know what God thinks of money ~ look at the people he gives it to!"
And of course, the ladies and not a few of the gentlemen of WADDLE frankly find Drum's plastic surgery prattle positively pompous! America's paparazzi spend entire careers photoshopping photographs to show America's wealthiest and most photogenic citizens gifted with a type of natural beauty which requires only a small bit of surgical enhancement. As a perfect example of this, I myself, with only a smidgen of eye work and a few strategically-placed hair and dental implants, receive many compliments on my vibrant, youthful appearance and my extremely fetching smile. If plastic surgery produced the strange effects Drum describes, why are the upper classes so frequently complimented by those who serve them? Indeed, why do so many well-heeled Americans require only a modest amount of additional work from time to time, as do I, and not even that every year?
Frankly, the game in America is get wealthy or get out of the way! Without wealthy WADDLErs, our nation's lower and middle classes would have nothing about which to gossip! If well-heeled WADDLErs didn’t part with a few dollars for the little people, where would the high-priced nannies and chauffeurs and valet parkers and hedge fund managers and vacation home salesmen of the world possibly find gainful employment? And Drum does not address our organization's most frequently repeated salient point -- if America’s wealthiest families do not deserve all of the man-sized material objects with which we fill our industrial-sized homes, why, pray tell, do we continue to accumulate an even greater percentage of America's material wealth year after year after year?
Rather than working on assembly lines, teaching public schoolchildren or whatever, well-wired WADDLErs wisely scoop up distressed companies, fire every employee in sight, loot the company's pension funds, and pick the bones of the firm to award ourselves generous tax-free bonuses! America's little people must learn to relish the trickle down effects! And as a matter of fact, yes, some in WADDLE do move bank accounts, profits, and entire manufacturing plants overseas. The author of Introducing the Richest Family in America would have us think it unpatriotic to offshore this or that vital component of America's once powerful manufacturing base! The author ignores the fact that jaw-dropping, tax-free profits are there to be acquired! Destitute union workers, laid-off schoolteachers, and jobless middle managers can always extend their calloused hands for another helping of welfare!
America's big-shouldered salary slaves must simply learn to lower their heads and shuffle out of the way as better-positioned Americans offshore their former jobs, leverage real and imaginary assets, corner commodities markets, buy and gut little companies, rob union pension funds, screw stockholders and small investors, loot the federal treasury, buy and sell politicians, pollute all that they absolutely must and shrewdly float away from America’s largest corporations on golden parachutes - earning every million dollar tax-free bonus, stock option, kickback, perk, sweetener, and hedge fund distribution the tax code we helped write permits us to receive!
Those of us born into America's upper class are hardly all self-serving, self-satisfied ninnies! By aggressively "going public" with this stinging array of facts, we in WADDLE focus an unprecedented public shaming apparatus upon the low brow of the "good-humored" author David Drum, who makes so much whoopee at the expense of America's wealthy elite. As the following article demonstrates, WADDLE and its lawyer-members are throwing down the gauntlet! We hereby whistle and warn against, pillory, and perhaps will one day prosecute David Drum's scandalous "good humored" book.
THE RICH ARE DIFFERENT!
By C. R. V. Madoff-Rich, President of WADDLE
We Actually Do Deserve to Live Extravagantly, or WADDLE, takes quite seriously its role as the leading support organization for America's wealthy upper crust. As the watchful and wary watchdogs of WADDLE, our board has gotten its snoot up in the air regarding the way we are being crudely snickered at in one hardly "good humored" book entitled Introducing the Richest Family in America.
In these somewhat difficult times, the cranky, unemployed denizens of America's lower and middle classes are far too critical of America's self-serving rich people. Frankly, we of the free-spending wealthy deserve all the admiration and flattery we can possibly wring from less successful Americans.
David Drum, the so-called "good humored" author of Introducing the Richest Family in America has jimmied up a portrait of upper class America that we in WADDLE consider snide, sinister, snippy, sniveling, simply solipsistic slander. Drum invites far too many impressionable readers to chuckle at our wealthiest and most worthy citizens ~ America's numerically small but slavishly admired, high-stepping, high-living upper class.
Although you may laugh until you cry at David Drum’s "humorously" portrayed rich and foolish characters, we in WADDLE warn you against the cheap, despicable thrill of hideously lowbrow laughter. As you bray the coarse crude guffaw of the most common sort of man, be aware you will be sniffing, snorting and "cracking up" at America's mighty, magnificently moneyed upper upper crust ~ multi-millionaires and billionaires composing barely 1% of the American population ~ each of whom frankly deserves a great deal more respect from the lower and middle echelons of society. Besides giggling, gagging, and guffawing at your betters in the most lowbrow sort of way, you will be cackling, passing wind, and slapping your knee at the wealthiest among us for many of the worst and wobbliest possible weasons.
WADDLE works itself weary defending the broad rear flank of America's ultra-rich! Far too often, WADDLErs are the targets of raspberries and disrespectful catcalls from America's stressed-out rabble. Indeed, the very wealthiest of our members have taken a stiff punch in the pudding from David Drum's haunting, huffy, hardly "humorous" book..
Introducing the Richest Family in America insults virtually ALL of America’s elegant, beautiful, and frankly fabulous rich. Not for nothing do we straddle the universe from a sparsely populated Olympian perch on the highest and uppermost tier of mighty, magnificent, millionaire America!
When rumors of Drum's insulting book reached my ears, I immediately marched out to acquire a copy, tut-tutting and shaking my head no, no, no at what I feared would be ugly and highly calculated distortions of our carefully-managed upper crust lifestyle. Drum's book was worse than I feared! Insults of the crassest sort leaped off the page like so many custard pies! I confess, I did once or twice snicker behind my hand ~ I could hardly restrain my naturally ebullient laughter! ~ but Drum's class-baiting mumbo-jumbo is malicious! The hooting out loud scenes, the lineup of hideous if memorable characters, a few of the old-fashioned romantic scenes I rather enjoyed, and indeed I did like many of the smaller lighter touches, especially the European and Chinese scenes, but please ~ easily-manipulated inhabitants of the lower and middle classes ~ do not touch David Drum's steamy, scatological, and only noddingly "humorous" book.
Rather than painting a respectful picture of the cultivated and urbane upper crust that we at WADDLE know quite well, and the lower classes know well enough from TV shows and the like, Drum shows us a highly unrepresentative wealthy family adrift in a world of folly, fantasy, and foolishness. Every man, woman, and companion animal in Drum’s book might as well be wearing a clown suit!
One of the lowest of Drum's below-the-belt blows came in the creation of a character that resembles no living lawyer that I have ever encountered. Drum's corporate attorney character appears to be a dishonest, double-talking bully, and more! An upper class lawyer ready to enrich himself by betraying his wife's entire family -- for money? Unlikely. An attorney in a position of familial trust such as Drum so vividly describes would act only with the highest and most honorable intent! America's wealthy families are full of honest, straight-talking lawyers who are by all outward appearances our most uptight of citizens! Yet Drum portrays "his" corporate lawyer as a clumsy, sinister, greedy, obsequious, smoke-blowing fool!
To cite a second extremely distasteful example, the wealthy patriarch of Introducing the Richest Family in America is said to suffer frequent and bedeviling bouts of flatulence. The very idea of flatulence in the boardroom of a major corporation is a slap in the face to America's two-fisted businessmen -- and businesswomen! Flatulence, fart jokes, and the like are unmistakably lower class! I can personally attest that the "humorous" activities so vividly described by Drum do NOT occur in our nation’s better families and certainly never in the conference rooms of WADDLE's extremely distinguished corporate boards.
But it’s not only an obscenely wealthy business tycoon passing gas or heedlessly pursuing love who feels the sting of Drum's "humor" ~ the author of Introducing the Richest Family in America does not seem to think much of this nation’s hard-working bankers, corporate lawyers, miniature pig owners, and high-end plastic surgeons either!
Insults of the lowest type buzz up like heat-seeking mosquitoes from the pages of this "humorous" book. Bracing ourselves to swat down still another onslaught of class-baiting slander, we of WADDLE typically comfort ourselves with the words of that wise old American homily: "We know what God thinks of money ~ look at the people he gives it to!"
And of course, the ladies and not a few of the gentlemen of WADDLE frankly find Drum's plastic surgery prattle positively pompous! America's paparazzi spend entire careers photoshopping photographs to show America's wealthiest and most photogenic citizens gifted with a type of natural beauty which requires only a small bit of surgical enhancement. As a perfect example of this, I myself, with only a smidgen of eye work and a few strategically-placed hair and dental implants, receive many compliments on my vibrant, youthful appearance and my extremely fetching smile. If plastic surgery produced the strange effects Drum describes, why are the upper classes so frequently complimented by those who serve them? Indeed, why do so many well-heeled Americans require only a modest amount of additional work from time to time, as do I, and not even that every year?
Frankly, the game in America is get wealthy or get out of the way! Without wealthy WADDLErs, our nation's lower and middle classes would have nothing about which to gossip! If well-heeled WADDLErs didn’t part with a few dollars for the little people, where would the high-priced nannies and chauffeurs and valet parkers and hedge fund managers and vacation home salesmen of the world possibly find gainful employment? And Drum does not address our organization's most frequently repeated salient point -- if America’s wealthiest families do not deserve all of the man-sized material objects with which we fill our industrial-sized homes, why, pray tell, do we continue to accumulate an even greater percentage of America's material wealth year after year after year?
Rather than working on assembly lines, teaching public schoolchildren or whatever, well-wired WADDLErs wisely scoop up distressed companies, fire every employee in sight, loot the company's pension funds, and pick the bones of the firm to award ourselves generous tax-free bonuses! America's little people must learn to relish the trickle down effects! And as a matter of fact, yes, some in WADDLE do move bank accounts, profits, and entire manufacturing plants overseas. The author of Introducing the Richest Family in America would have us think it unpatriotic to offshore this or that vital component of America's once powerful manufacturing base! The author ignores the fact that jaw-dropping, tax-free profits are there to be acquired! Destitute union workers, laid-off schoolteachers, and jobless middle managers can always extend their calloused hands for another helping of welfare!
America's big-shouldered salary slaves must simply learn to lower their heads and shuffle out of the way as better-positioned Americans offshore their former jobs, leverage real and imaginary assets, corner commodities markets, buy and gut little companies, rob union pension funds, screw stockholders and small investors, loot the federal treasury, buy and sell politicians, pollute all that they absolutely must and shrewdly float away from America’s largest corporations on golden parachutes - earning every million dollar tax-free bonus, stock option, kickback, perk, sweetener, and hedge fund distribution the tax code we helped write permits us to receive!
Those of us born into America's upper class are hardly all self-serving, self-satisfied ninnies! By aggressively "going public" with this stinging array of facts, we in WADDLE focus an unprecedented public shaming apparatus upon the low brow of the "good-humored" author David Drum, who makes so much whoopee at the expense of America's wealthy elite. As the following article demonstrates, WADDLE and its lawyer-members are throwing down the gauntlet! We hereby whistle and warn against, pillory, and perhaps will one day prosecute David Drum's scandalous "good humored" book.
The Corporate Lawyers Industrial Protection Society (CLIPS) Does NOT recommend David Drum's slanderous, knee-slapping and rather dubiously "humorous" book, which is entitled Introducing the Richest Family in America
By B. M. Reginald Clump, Esq.
Diligently dipping, as I recently did, into the pages of a highly inflammatory new novel, Introducing the Richest Family in America, I suspect the average reader of that book might be led to conclude that America’s hard-working corporate lawyers do nothing but sit at their desks with their heads down, pushing papers back and forth for hours on end while collecting undeserved and obscenely high salaries.
If one were to take at face value the clumsy corporate lawyer portrayed in David Drum’s allegedly "humorous" book, Introducing the Richest Family in America, a characterization which my colleagues and I found extremely "un-humorous," one might actually be led to believe that we of the corporate lawyer class are a pack of pompous, unethical, smoke-blowing fools.
Like most of my distinguished colleagues in the legal profession, I have spent many billable hours hunched over my desk to earn several homes, a trophy wife (now president of MAPPO®), and a recession-resistant seven-figure stock portfolio. Less successful Americans must understand that we of the Corporate Lawyers Industrial Protection Society (CLIPS) and corporate attorneys in general are hardly overcompensated for what we do.
You might ask, as our secretaries sometimes do, why are salaries at America's top corporate law firms so obscenely high? You might wonder how my firm’s lowly junior partners accumulate bonuses of more than one million dollars last year while senior partners such as myself earn substantially more? Corporate America has deep pockets. And despite what some might assume, we of the corporate lawyer class are hardly overpaid for picking the legal nits which must be picked off the backs and butts of our fabulously wealthy corporate clients.
Carrying water for America’s most profitable corporations, my colleagues and I often stagger into the private elevators of our richly-decorated high rise offices, eyes aflame from reading hundreds of thousands of photocopied words all the better to ship them to some lowly solo practitioner with the gall to bring suit against any of America‘s richest companies.
Long, billable hours of brain-numbing work is why so many of my corporate lawyer brothers and sisters suffer health problems such as hemmorhoids, obesity and even occasional shortness of breath upon waddling away from this or that media event, settlement conference, or courtroom. In addition to suffering considerable weight gain, I myself have carried so much corporate water that I now need an over-sized and heavily-padded, steel-reinforced swivel chair in which to sit down. As pretty, buffed-up young legal secretaries in short skirts take shorthand around me, I sit for hour after billable hour in my over-sized chair, shuffling papers in service of our nation's wealthiest corporations. I literally cannot recall exactly how many hours I have billed from my specially padded chair, hatching plots and devising tactics to crush and humiliate smaller, weaker opponents.
In what could easily be construed as "slander," David Drum’s Introducing the Richest Family in America seems to suggest that America's corporate attorneys do hardly any real work at all! The corporate lawyer I take to be the hero of Drum's book can hardly handle his cell phone, something I have never witnessed in this office where even our private chefs are proficient with communications devices. Drum’s somewhat ambitious, fast-talking corporate lawyer marries into a wealthy family only to betray his wife, best friend, brother-in-law, business partner, etcetera? I have never personally witnessed a betrayal of that nature here at Butz, Sharper, Clump, & Shapiro. No attorney in my office resembles the mendacious, two-faced, back-stabbing corporate lawyer portrayed in Introducing the Richest Family in America! However, it is no secret that many of our junior partners have been ambitious enough to talk their way into extremely wealthy families, and the most clever among these typically marry well.
America’s corporate lawyers are among the most handsomely reimbursed professionals in America because, like medical doctors and pro football coaches, we are invaluable. Doctors write prescriptions that kill germs and save lives, coaches provide ringing sound bites for television sport reporters, and corporate lawyers bring home the bacon for the world's richest corporations.
In the competitive game of life, corporate lawyers beat off the rabble trying to crack the coffers of big-moneyed corporate America. Our Blackberries are vibrating, our black suits pressed and perfumed, our shirts starched and ties Windsor-knotted for battle. As we stuff our briefcases with secret documents, we ready our well-buffed shoes to kick at the heels, shins, and groins of plaintiff’s lawyers.
We do God's work! America's filthy rich corporations are under attack! Every day we hear accusations of manipulated books, bribery, rank corruption, double and triple dealing, labor union squashing, politician buying, ridiculously inflated executive salaries, ripping off shareholders, discrimination against workers, looting worker pension funds, tax shelter building, concealed bank accounts and hints that our most respected corporate attorneys are playing footsies with corrupt bankers, off shoring jobs, ruining the environment, defrauding homeowners, relieving widows of their savings, robbing the middle class, skimming corporate profits, pulling bread out of the mouths of children and senior citizens, paying no taxes and more -- some of which is slanderously untrue!
Adhering the highest ethical standards that money can buy, we of the corporate lawyer class scrupulously adhere to our profession’s three most fundamental principles -- delay, get paid, and delay again. There is no end to the good work that thousands of well-paid lawyers working like beavers can do. Here are three examples of how we carry corporate water:
Example No. 1: Our oil company clients were aghast when the Exxon Valdez blew more than half a million barrels of oil into a pristine Alaska wilderness area in 1989. Birds and fish dying like flies! Too late to cover it up! Big damages looming! What did the beleaguered oil company giant do? Exxon marshaled a team of more than 350 hard-charging corporate lawyers, a CLIPS "dream team" ready to delay, blow smoke, raise objections, depose hundreds of experts, schedule and cancel press conferences, call for more and more lengthy time-consuming environmental studies, get paid, and delay again -- all in service of a hard-pressed multinational oil company client fighting to inflate its profits and bonus packages a great deal higher than the year before. Many long decades later, having beaten our tree-hugging opponents and their counsel half to death, CLIPS quietly declared victory. Here is the inside story of how we carried all that corporate water:
After the Exxon Valdez oil spill of 1989, of course, our legal team immediately moved to delay. In 1994, whoops, only five years later, a $5 billion judgment against Exxon? Judgment immediately appealed! More lawyers hired! For 14 more years our "dream team" delayed, blew smoke, raised objections, asked for continuances, sought additional delays, demanded clarifications, split hairs, picked nits, deposed drunken sailors and native Americans, examined dead animals, lost evidence, hired and fired experts, sent our company geologists aimlessly walking the Alaskan shoreline, argued for more time, etc. In the meantime, our oil company client generated impressive profits! By 2009, our dream team of aggressive, bull-headed negotiators had ground down the tree-huggers to a piddling $500 million judgment, plus interest, totaling less than $1 billion dollars. We win again! Oil company executives deliriously happy! Over the 20 years in which we delayed judgment, yes, an unknown quantity of songbirds, fish and forest animals choked to death and the company grudgingly promised to remove some of the most visible sludge it deposited upon the pristine Alaskan shore. But until that time, well-paid Exxon executives held their big heads high, swaggering in and out of board meetings, justifying ever larger perks and bonuses, granting themselves stock options, flinging open golden parachutes, and so forth. Do you wonder why British Petroleum put our legal "dream team" on retainer after that multi-billion gallon mess in the Gulf?
Example Number 2: Wal-mart was sued in the year 2000 by a group of disgruntled female workers who had apparently suffered discrimination, lower salaries, various forms of sexual harassment, and so on. The pesky little women dared to bring suit against one of the wealthiest corporations in America! But what to do with these complaining little ninnies and their annoying little class-action suit? Management immediately assembled a CLIPS "dream team"! I myself sit on the strategy group that has been delaying a resolution of this particular suit for more than a dozen years, the most probable source of several new hemorrhoids, but with the medical insurance plan I enjoy I don't complain. Lift up the skirt of the ladies' lawsuit, my working group advised, and take a good look at the underpants of the suit itself. Through a complicated series of dubious and underhanded (but entirely legal) courtroom moves, we of the "dream team" forced the ladies’ lawyers to more or less reinvent the wheel. Meanwhile, as expected, our corporate client had several more extremely profitable years in which larger profits could be made, more king-sized community business-busting stores opened, more Mexican government palms greased, and a great many more cute, uncomplaining little female workers exploited.
From the beginning, our "dream team" strove to meticulously question even the tiniest detail of the so-called ladies' so-called class action against America's so-called largest retail chain. We put the little women through a grinding series of hair-splitting depositions and appeals, delaying and stalling for more time at every opportunity, raising every conceivable objection, and appealing even the most insignificant ruling to higher and higher courts in the judicial system. In 2011, eleven years after the ladies' little class action suit was filed, the Wal-mart girls (no longer girls at this point) were forced into the U.S. Supreme Court where my good friend Clarence leveled his most pornographic stare and my good friend Antonio lashed out with dozens of half-baked questions to further humiliate and baffle the little ladies' lawyers. As of this writing, the Wal-mart ladies still haven’t gotten their little sex discrimination suit to first base! Maybe next year, girls! Thousands of billable hours later, our CLIPS "dream team" has just begun to grind and buy and bill our way toward still another obscenely expensive takedown for corporate America!
Example Number 3: Workers at a large manufacturing corporation which shall remain nameless fervently desired a union, complaining they were paid so little that their own managers encouraged them to apply for food stamps. The workers found an idealistic young lawyer to represent them after perfectly legal organizing efforts were crudely rebuffed. As soon as they formally requested information, under my personal direction our firm delivered three trailer-truckloads of photocopied documents to the hapless union lawyer, a time-tested way of responding to her request for a particular incriminating email. Our secretaries somehow neglected to include the email she requested in the package, but this tactic did force our opponent, a sole practitioner, to read more than four million photocopied documents we had delivered in separate packages, eventually forcing her to return to the court to make a second more specific request. As you might surmise, this clever delaying maneuver gave our manufacturing plant client ample time to move every one of his factories overseas to the cheapest possible union-free locations, where $3 a day jobs and environmental pollution are greeted with open arms. Goodbye Joe Hill! Hello big bonus package for partners!
Part of the reason for our overwhelming record of success is that opposition lawyers, often working on contingency, have to eat years and years of expenses before seeing a payday, if they don't die before they get their case into court!
However, returning to the point, because it so maligns an honorable profession, CLIPS fervently objects to David Drum’s scandalous book. Introducing the Richest Family in America tosses more faggots onto a roaring liberal media fire. We at CLIPS join the heroic organizing efforts of the esteemed Palm Beach-based service organization, WADDLE, and the animal-loving ladies of MAPPO in this rare public show of upper crust disdain. If author Drum had deeper pockets, and was not a lowly writer, CLIPS would bring immediate legal action to snap him and everyone in his immediate family into line.
In summation, I did chuckle more frequently than I liked at David Drum’s ridiculous novel, when the focus shifted from the attorney onto the fools in the rest of the family. That pro golfer! That doctor! That interior decorator! However, after mulling over the meat of the matter, we of CLIPS do definitely not recommend the purchase of Introducing the Richest Family in America, in any form, particularly in hard cover, at this particular time. We also encourage our nation's libraries not to stock this odious volume.
David Drum makes far too much whoopee at the expense of an honorable and grossly unappreciated profession. To employ a simple gardening metaphor, corporate lawyers are as necessary as a big load of chicken manure for a stand of tall, rich, highly-profitable corporate corn!
DAVID DRUM'S RICHEST FAMILY -- AN OUTRAGE TO AMERICA'S MOST ADORABLE MINIATURE COMPANION ANIMALS!
--By Mrs. Petunia Bacon-Clump, BA, acting president
In my difficult and demanding role as acting president of the Miniature American Pig Protection Organization or MAPPO®, a very well-regarded corporate attorney's wife, and the owner of three very darling and beloved porcine animals, on behalf of the insulted members of MAPPO® I hereby call on every bookstore in the America to boycott a truly offensive book -- somewhat amusing in places, I have been told, but nonetheless highly offensive --Introducing the Richest Family in America, by David Drum.
We in MAPPO® are at war with a dangerous class of pet snobs who see miniature pig owners as "second class" pet owners. America's snooty dog, cat, and parakeet owners are already much too contemptuous of our great nation's dearly beloved naturalized porcine companions. In an era when some of our nation's most prestigious pet shops tell us that even the most pet-crazy celebrities in America are beginning to turn up their noses at pigs, David Drum’s so-called "humorous" novel is a prod in the hindquarters of every wealthy pet-owning member and their pampered and beloved miniature companion animals. The allegedly "good-humored" author plays fast and loose with MAPPO’s® meticulously-established nomenclature! To name one perfectly hideous example, the adorable little creatures which figure so prominently in Introducing the Richest Family in America must NEVER be properly referred to as “Chinese pot-bellied pigs”!
MAPPO® remains the leading organization of purebred miniature porcine animal owners in the United States, England, and Canada! While our English-speaking membership is modest in number, America's booksellers do surely realize that MAPPO® has taken great pains to correctly name and nourish this small, cute, beloved purebred creature, an animal highly esteemed by all our members, and properly referred to as the naturalized American miniature pot-bellied porcine animal! We at MAPPO® adopted precisely this nomenclature after our member conducted a long and contentious debate on this very topic! Yet here comes the so-called "good-humored" author, David Drum, like a raging bull in a China shop, trying to undo everything MAPPO® has done for America's naturalized pot-bellied porcine animal companions!
David Drum’s so-called "humorous" novel makes fun of the world's most darling, sweetest, and most extremely sensitive miniature companion animals! The nation's pig whisperers are aghast! David Drum’s horribly graphic book, Introducing the Richest Family in America, portrays purebred porcine animals and the wealthy individuals who pet and pamper them in an unredeemingly ridiculous fashion! We, the wealthy purebred pot-bellied porcine animal lovers of America, are hardlly all empty-headed, pet-obsessed ninnies!
Introducing the Richest Family in America makes light of a perfectly delightful California heiress with a darling, medium-sized pog of so-called “Chinese pot-bellied pigs” kept behind her modest and comfortable forty seven-bedroom home. The term “pig” as we all well know, so frequently misused, implies dirt and filth, an animal rooting through mud and garbage with the remainder of somebody else's egg McMuffin dangling from its darling little snout! Drum’s demeaning nomenclature is wrong, wrong, wrong!
As MAPPO® members know, these darling and beloved companion animals should never be called “Chinese pot-bellied pigs!” Students of history tell us that, of course, yes, miniature porcine animals did originate some years ago in China! But thanks to unflagging efforts by MAPPO®, the darling creatures once known as "Chinese pot-bellied pigs" have lately become, like French fries, completely Americanized! English-speaking pet owners identify naturalized American pot-bellied porcine animals as distinctly different creatures than their somewhat crude Chinese or Vietnamese-born cousins -- a more refined, sweeter, smaller, cuter, friendlier, more intelligent, fine-boned and small-hoofed creature whose waggily tail, sensitive face, and much larger price tag is justified by among other things its registery in MAPPO’s Purebred Porcine Directory (unmentioned in Drum's book !) introduced to discriminating miniature pot-bellied porcine animal traders just last year!
Even more disturbing to MAPPO® members is a horribly graphic depiction of sex between a pot-bellied pig and a standard American hog that is frankly unbearable to many in MAPPO® ! Naturalized American miniature pot-bellied porcine animals on recommended diets typically weigh a dainty 35-50 pounds, while commercial hogs tip the scales at several hundred pounds more! This lurid "sex scene" in David Drum’s "humorous" book, taking place on a commercial hog farm in California as a poor humiliated corporate lawyer tries to retrieve a lost naturalized American pot-bellied porcine animal, a scene intended perhaps by the author as "humorous," is hardly funny to we in MAPPO®! Indeed, such a scene is the very worst nightmare of any miniature porcine pet owner and is reason enough to boycott the book!
The so-called "good humored" author of Introducing the Richest Family in America has a rather obvious bias against the cute, extremely cuddly American pot-bellied porcine animals so beloved by MAPPO®! None who truly know this tiny beloved little porcine companion animal could fail to adore it!
To own a naturalized American miniature pot-bellied porcine animal is pet heaven itself! Imagine a porcine animal gracefullly uprooting turnips in your garden, waddling forward with your slippers as you sit by a winter fire, leaping into bed with you, or trotting proudly alongside you on your morning walk! Could the writer of this scurrilous book be the victim perhaps of some bizarre and lurid barnyard nightmare? Is David Drum seeking to make every well-heeled naturalized American pot-bellied miniature porcine animal owner in the United States appear ridiculous?!
We stand with our sister organization WADDLE to which the husbands of so many of our wealthiest members belong as well as America's upstanding but maliciously slandered corporate lawyers and all of their well-heeled wives in crying out for an immediate boycott of this "humorous" anti-porcine book!
* * * * *
For the benefit of our members, we provide complimentary links to Our Most Esteemed and Supportive Corporate Supporters:
Goldman-Sachs
The American Chamber of Commerce
Mercedes-Benz
Porsche
Rolex Watches
General Motors - Cadillac Division
Ford Motor Company - makers of Lincoln
Tiffany, Inc.
Armani
Saks Fifth Avenue
Alfa-Romero
Fortune 500 Families
The Forbes 500 Families
And A Special Low Key "Thank You" To
WADDLE's "Politically Active" Partners:
The Wealthy Prolifigates' Anti-Defamation League
The Billionaire Bankers Bonus Alliance
Trust Fund Managers for Financial Freedom
The Growth is God Group
Cellular Phone Providers Wiretap Association
The Corporate Tax Write-off Alliance
The Union Buster's Trust
Offshore Hedge Funds of Aruba
The Middle American Job Exporting Alliance
The Crooked Lawyers Retirement League
The Hot Money Group
Former American Oil Companies of Greater Dubai
Palm Beach Mansion Owners Association
Offshore American Jobs Now PAC
The American Kill the Death Tax League
The "Buff Up the Black Box" Alliance
The Blind Trust Entitlement Brigade
Marry A Hot Millionaire Dating Network
The Swiss Bank Account Secrecy Protection Alliance
Greed is Good, Unlimited
Sub-Prime Mortgage Salesmen's Retirement Fund
Increase The Oil Depletion Allowance Alliance
Mr. & Mrs. Clarence Thomas Wholesome Video Fund
The Social Darwinism League
Air, Ground & Water Polluters Round Table
Lower the Minimum Wage PAC
The Civilian Contractors Permanent War Profit Alliance
Money is Our Only Friend, Inc.
The Deep DooDoo Brigade
--By Mrs. Petunia Bacon-Clump, BA, acting president
In my difficult and demanding role as acting president of the Miniature American Pig Protection Organization or MAPPO®, a very well-regarded corporate attorney's wife, and the owner of three very darling and beloved porcine animals, on behalf of the insulted members of MAPPO® I hereby call on every bookstore in the America to boycott a truly offensive book -- somewhat amusing in places, I have been told, but nonetheless highly offensive --Introducing the Richest Family in America, by David Drum.
We in MAPPO® are at war with a dangerous class of pet snobs who see miniature pig owners as "second class" pet owners. America's snooty dog, cat, and parakeet owners are already much too contemptuous of our great nation's dearly beloved naturalized porcine companions. In an era when some of our nation's most prestigious pet shops tell us that even the most pet-crazy celebrities in America are beginning to turn up their noses at pigs, David Drum’s so-called "humorous" novel is a prod in the hindquarters of every wealthy pet-owning member and their pampered and beloved miniature companion animals. The allegedly "good-humored" author plays fast and loose with MAPPO’s® meticulously-established nomenclature! To name one perfectly hideous example, the adorable little creatures which figure so prominently in Introducing the Richest Family in America must NEVER be properly referred to as “Chinese pot-bellied pigs”!
MAPPO® remains the leading organization of purebred miniature porcine animal owners in the United States, England, and Canada! While our English-speaking membership is modest in number, America's booksellers do surely realize that MAPPO® has taken great pains to correctly name and nourish this small, cute, beloved purebred creature, an animal highly esteemed by all our members, and properly referred to as the naturalized American miniature pot-bellied porcine animal! We at MAPPO® adopted precisely this nomenclature after our member conducted a long and contentious debate on this very topic! Yet here comes the so-called "good-humored" author, David Drum, like a raging bull in a China shop, trying to undo everything MAPPO® has done for America's naturalized pot-bellied porcine animal companions!
David Drum’s so-called "humorous" novel makes fun of the world's most darling, sweetest, and most extremely sensitive miniature companion animals! The nation's pig whisperers are aghast! David Drum’s horribly graphic book, Introducing the Richest Family in America, portrays purebred porcine animals and the wealthy individuals who pet and pamper them in an unredeemingly ridiculous fashion! We, the wealthy purebred pot-bellied porcine animal lovers of America, are hardlly all empty-headed, pet-obsessed ninnies!
Introducing the Richest Family in America makes light of a perfectly delightful California heiress with a darling, medium-sized pog of so-called “Chinese pot-bellied pigs” kept behind her modest and comfortable forty seven-bedroom home. The term “pig” as we all well know, so frequently misused, implies dirt and filth, an animal rooting through mud and garbage with the remainder of somebody else's egg McMuffin dangling from its darling little snout! Drum’s demeaning nomenclature is wrong, wrong, wrong!
As MAPPO® members know, these darling and beloved companion animals should never be called “Chinese pot-bellied pigs!” Students of history tell us that, of course, yes, miniature porcine animals did originate some years ago in China! But thanks to unflagging efforts by MAPPO®, the darling creatures once known as "Chinese pot-bellied pigs" have lately become, like French fries, completely Americanized! English-speaking pet owners identify naturalized American pot-bellied porcine animals as distinctly different creatures than their somewhat crude Chinese or Vietnamese-born cousins -- a more refined, sweeter, smaller, cuter, friendlier, more intelligent, fine-boned and small-hoofed creature whose waggily tail, sensitive face, and much larger price tag is justified by among other things its registery in MAPPO’s Purebred Porcine Directory (unmentioned in Drum's book !) introduced to discriminating miniature pot-bellied porcine animal traders just last year!
Even more disturbing to MAPPO® members is a horribly graphic depiction of sex between a pot-bellied pig and a standard American hog that is frankly unbearable to many in MAPPO® ! Naturalized American miniature pot-bellied porcine animals on recommended diets typically weigh a dainty 35-50 pounds, while commercial hogs tip the scales at several hundred pounds more! This lurid "sex scene" in David Drum’s "humorous" book, taking place on a commercial hog farm in California as a poor humiliated corporate lawyer tries to retrieve a lost naturalized American pot-bellied porcine animal, a scene intended perhaps by the author as "humorous," is hardly funny to we in MAPPO®! Indeed, such a scene is the very worst nightmare of any miniature porcine pet owner and is reason enough to boycott the book!
The so-called "good humored" author of Introducing the Richest Family in America has a rather obvious bias against the cute, extremely cuddly American pot-bellied porcine animals so beloved by MAPPO®! None who truly know this tiny beloved little porcine companion animal could fail to adore it!
To own a naturalized American miniature pot-bellied porcine animal is pet heaven itself! Imagine a porcine animal gracefullly uprooting turnips in your garden, waddling forward with your slippers as you sit by a winter fire, leaping into bed with you, or trotting proudly alongside you on your morning walk! Could the writer of this scurrilous book be the victim perhaps of some bizarre and lurid barnyard nightmare? Is David Drum seeking to make every well-heeled naturalized American pot-bellied miniature porcine animal owner in the United States appear ridiculous?!
We stand with our sister organization WADDLE to which the husbands of so many of our wealthiest members belong as well as America's upstanding but maliciously slandered corporate lawyers and all of their well-heeled wives in crying out for an immediate boycott of this "humorous" anti-porcine book!
* * * * *
For the benefit of our members, we provide complimentary links to Our Most Esteemed and Supportive Corporate Supporters:
Goldman-Sachs
The American Chamber of Commerce
Mercedes-Benz
Porsche
Rolex Watches
General Motors - Cadillac Division
Ford Motor Company - makers of Lincoln
Tiffany, Inc.
Armani
Saks Fifth Avenue
Alfa-Romero
Fortune 500 Families
The Forbes 500 Families
And A Special Low Key "Thank You" To
WADDLE's "Politically Active" Partners:
The Wealthy Prolifigates' Anti-Defamation League
The Billionaire Bankers Bonus Alliance
Trust Fund Managers for Financial Freedom
The Growth is God Group
Cellular Phone Providers Wiretap Association
The Corporate Tax Write-off Alliance
The Union Buster's Trust
Offshore Hedge Funds of Aruba
The Middle American Job Exporting Alliance
The Crooked Lawyers Retirement League
The Hot Money Group
Former American Oil Companies of Greater Dubai
Palm Beach Mansion Owners Association
Offshore American Jobs Now PAC
The American Kill the Death Tax League
The "Buff Up the Black Box" Alliance
The Blind Trust Entitlement Brigade
Marry A Hot Millionaire Dating Network
The Swiss Bank Account Secrecy Protection Alliance
Greed is Good, Unlimited
Sub-Prime Mortgage Salesmen's Retirement Fund
Increase The Oil Depletion Allowance Alliance
Mr. & Mrs. Clarence Thomas Wholesome Video Fund
The Social Darwinism League
Air, Ground & Water Polluters Round Table
Lower the Minimum Wage PAC
The Civilian Contractors Permanent War Profit Alliance
Money is Our Only Friend, Inc.
The Deep DooDoo Brigade